Funny Signs

funny-signs

Image | Posted on by | Leave a comment

Paraprosdokians

A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected  – and oft times very humorous.

  •  If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
  •  I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I’m great at multi-tasking–I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
  • Take my advice — I’m not using it.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  • Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
  • I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
  • If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  • Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let him sleep.
  • If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
  • Money is the root of all wealth.
  • No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

North Carolina Humor

stool

It’s winter in N. Carolina,
And the gentle breezes blow, 
70 miles per hour at 52 below! 
Oh, how I love, N. Carolina

When the snow’s up to your butt; 
You take a breath of winter air 
And your nose is frozen shut. 
Yes, the weather here is wonderful, 
You may think I’m a fool. 
I could never leave  N. Carolina

(Cause I’m frozen to the stool.)

 

 

 

 

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

For all the “lovers” out there!

valentines-day

Image | Posted on by | Leave a comment

Some Interesting Facts . . .

 

  • Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
  •  Gold is the only metal that doesn’t rust, even if it’s buried in the ground for thousands of years.
  •  Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
  •  If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
  •  Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
  •  Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
  •  The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
  •  Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.
  •  Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn’t smoke unless it’s heated above 450F.
  •  The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
  •  Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean 
  •  The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
  •  Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
  •  The University of Alaska spans over four time zones.
  •  The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
  •  In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
  •  Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935 
  •  Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
  •  A comet’s tail always points away from the sun.
  •  The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
  •  Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
  •  The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity 
  •  If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
  •  When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
  •  In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
  •  Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
  •  Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
  •  The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
  •  The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
  •  Due to earth’s gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
  •  Mickey Mouse is known as “Topolino” in Italy.
  •  Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
  •  Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.

 

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment

The Proverb Challenge

childrenAn Elementary School Teacher had twenty-six students in her class.  She presented each child in her classroom the 1st half of a well-known proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb.  It’s hard to believe these were actually answered by first graders.

Don’t change horses until they stop running.
Strike while the bug is close.
It’s always darkest before Daylight Saving Time.
Never underestimate the power of termites.
You can lead a horse to water but how?
Don’t bite the hand that looks dirty.
No news is impossible.
A miss is as good as a Mr.
You can’t teach an old dog new math.
If you lie down with dogs, you’ll stink in the morning.
Love all, trust me.
The pen is mightier than the pigs.
An idle mind is the best way to relax.
Where there’s smoke there’s pollution.
Happy the bride who gets all the presents.
A penny saved is not much.
Two’s company, three’s the Musketeers.
Don’t put off till tomorrow what you put on to go to bed.
Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and you have to blow your nose.
There are none so blind as Stevie Wonder.
Children should be seen and not spanked or grounded.
If at first you don’t succeed get new batteries.
You get out of something only what you see in the picture on the box.
When the blind lead the blind get out of the way.
A bird in the hand is going to poop on you.
Better late than pregnant.

 

Posted in Humor, Uncategorized | Leave a comment

British Humor

  1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

  2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

  3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

  4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

  5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

  6. A chap’s wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

  7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

  8.  I woke up this morning at 9:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.

  9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay???”

  10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

  11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

Posted in Uncategorized | Leave a comment