British Humor

  1. I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard, and a backpack wasn’t what they had in mind.

  2. After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, John woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman. That’s when he realized he had made it home safely.

  3. Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Para-Olympics after they tested positive for WD40.

  4. A teenage boy asks his granny: “Have you seen my pills? They were labeled LSD?” Granny replies:“ The hell with the pills, did you see the dragons in the kitchen?”

  5. Wife gets naked and asks hubby: “What turns you on more, my pretty face or my sexy body?” Hubby looks her up and down and replies: “Your sense of humor!” (Hospital visiting hours are 5:00 to 6:00.)

  6. A chap’s wife is back on the warpath again. She was up for making a sex movie last night, and all he did was suggest they should hold auditions for her part.(His viewing will be Saturday from 7:00 till 8:30. )

  7. I’ve accidentally swallowed some Scrabble tiles. My next crap could spell disaster.

  8.  I woke up this morning at 9:30 , and could sense something was wrong. I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor, not breathing! I panicked. I didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered McDonalds serves breakfast all day.

  9. My missus packed my bags, and as I walked out the front door. She screamed: “I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!” I replied: “Oh, so now you want me to stay???”

  10. Bought the missus a hamster skin coat last week. When we went to the fair last night it took me 3 hours to get her off the Ferris wheel.

  11. The other night, my wife asked me how many women I’d slept with. I told her: “Only you. All the others kept me awake all night!” (The doctor says I should be able to see again in about ten days. The broken arm will take about a month. )

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